Nasty, fat hobbit seeks same

I've been looking for part time work for some time now, and recently ran across this ad:

Relationship Assistance - Part Time
Date: 2009-04-28, 7:43AM PDT

Super busy affluent SF Arts/ Entrepreneur who travels a lot for work needs part time help finding a girlfriend/LTR. I figured that someone out there must have the skills and time to do this for me, like hiring a recruiter to help find the right employee. This is a project that might take a month or two. The pay would be $30 an hour up to $5000 with a bonus if we succeed. I am a 50 something year old fit, smart, attractive, cultured, extrovert, humorous, white guy married once no kids. And I am a quasi high profile SF person with full a biography and photos online i.e. not some closet weirdo. I’m looking for a youthful super smart stylish creative urban woman who lives in SF for LTR. That seems pretty straightforward. The job would involve finding and interviewing 5- 10 women online and in person (I am picky visually). It would take a couple months I assume.

If you are interested in this job, please send me a note and let me know why you would be good at it, why I should trust you, and how you would go about it. Confidentiality and discretion on all levels is a priority. I’ve never done this before, and I am neither patient nor experienced with online dating. You need to be SF based, college educated, smart and street savvy, with a highly organized nature, great sense of humor, refined taste and an especially good eye. You can send me a resume if you want, but this is not essential.

Anyway, I thought it was a little funny and a little odd, but also I kind of like playing matchmaker and thought it might be interesting to try. So I sent the ad to Brian for his perspective. What follows is our skype chat, edited only slightly for length and clarity.

Brian Andrews
4:50 PM
I first read LTR as 'Lord of the Rings'

norasawyer
4:50 PM
LTR?

Brian Andrews
4:51 PM
"I’m looking for a youthful super smart stylish creative urban woman who lives in SF for Lord of the Rings."

norasawyer
4:51 PM

That would be a better job.

Brian Andrews
4:54 PM
"I am a 50 something year old fit, smart, attractive, cultured, extrovert, humorous, white hobbit looking for a way to get rid of this damn ring."

norasawyer
4:54 PM

"smoker preferred."

Brian Andrews
4:56 PM
i like um raw and wriggling

norasawyer
4:57 PM
Ew.

Brian Andrews
4:57 PM
with taters

norasawyer
4:58 PM
"Civil servant seeks frigid woman looking for someone to melt her mannish heart. Must like swordplay, nursing, and Númenóreans, but be willing to settle for me."

Brian Andrews
4:59 PM
ha


Edited to add: should you need a refresher on the plot of Lord of the Rings, here's some guys from New Zealand's take:

Aaaaaand Scene.

Brian and I are walking down the street. A man walks by in stylized safari getup, including combat boots with the pant legs tucked in, and a wide-brimmed hat.

Me: Do you think he's a Man in the Yellow Hat fetishist?

B: What?

Me: That man (points exaggeratedly with eyes). Do you think he's a Man in the Yellow Hat fetishist.

B: Because he's got a hat, he's a man in hat fetishist?

Me: Man in the Yellow Hat. Didn't you ever read Curious George?

B: I'm familiar with the concept, but not really, no.

Me: Well, the Man in the Yellow Hat is his friend. He's an explorer. He finds him in the jungle.

B: Curious George finds the man, or the man finds George?

Me: They kind of find each other. And then the man takes George home and then he drinks ether and paints a jungle scene on his bedroom wall.

(beat)

B: So you think because he's a man in a yellow hat, he's a Man in the Yellow Hat fetishist? Does it work that way?

Me: If he was wearing leather chaps, we'd say he was a leather fetishist. Ergo, man in yellow hat, Man in the Yellow Hat Fetish.

B: But we wouldn't say the man in leather chaps was a Man in the Leather Chaps fetishist.

Me: (disgruntled silence)

Me: You're an obtuse dingbat fetishist.

B: (wraps his arms around me) Which is why I like you so much.