Thursday, April 30, 2009


or, reason # 125 not to perform culinary chores at 2 AM. You might wake up to discover you've made one half dozen hard boiled eggs that look like this:

Also, the container is labeled 'Hardy Boys,' which is apparently 2 AM for 'Hard Boiled.' At least I amuse myself.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Nasty, fat hobbit seeks same

I've been looking for part time work for some time now, and recently ran across this ad:

Relationship Assistance - Part Time
Date: 2009-04-28, 7:43AM PDT

Super busy affluent SF Arts/ Entrepreneur who travels a lot for work needs part time help finding a girlfriend/LTR. I figured that someone out there must have the skills and time to do this for me, like hiring a recruiter to help find the right employee. This is a project that might take a month or two. The pay would be $30 an hour up to $5000 with a bonus if we succeed. I am a 50 something year old fit, smart, attractive, cultured, extrovert, humorous, white guy married once no kids. And I am a quasi high profile SF person with full a biography and photos online i.e. not some closet weirdo. I’m looking for a youthful super smart stylish creative urban woman who lives in SF for LTR. That seems pretty straightforward. The job would involve finding and interviewing 5- 10 women online and in person (I am picky visually). It would take a couple months I assume.

If you are interested in this job, please send me a note and let me know why you would be good at it, why I should trust you, and how you would go about it. Confidentiality and discretion on all levels is a priority. I’ve never done this before, and I am neither patient nor experienced with online dating. You need to be SF based, college educated, smart and street savvy, with a highly organized nature, great sense of humor, refined taste and an especially good eye. You can send me a resume if you want, but this is not essential.

Anyway, I thought it was a little funny and a little odd, but also I kind of like playing matchmaker and thought it might be interesting to try. So I sent the ad to Brian for his perspective. What follows is our skype chat, edited only slightly for length and clarity.

Brian Andrews
4:50 PM

I first read LTR as 'Lord of the Rings'

4:50 PM


Brian Andrews
4:51 PM

"I’m looking for a youthful super smart stylish creative urban woman who lives in SF for Lord of the Rings."

4:51 PM

confused smileys
That would be a better job.

Brian Andrews
4:54 PM

"I am a 50 something year old fit, smart, attractive, cultured, extrovert, humorous, white hobbit looking for a way to get rid of this damn ring."

4:54 PM

decompression sickness
"smoker preferred."

Brian Andrews
4:56 PM

i like um raw and wriggling

4:57 PM


Brian Andrews
4:57 PM

with taters

4:58 PM

"Civil servant seeks frigid woman looking for someone to melt her mannish heart. Must like swordplay, nursing, and Númenóreans, but be willing to settle for me."

Brian Andrews
4:59 PM

happy smileys

Edited to add: should you need a refresher on the plot of Lord of the Rings, here's some guys from New Zealand's take:

Monday, April 27, 2009

Dime Store Aesop

Today, Bella, Shelby and I took our trice-weekly trip to our favorite park. As we made our way up the hill, Shelby disappeared into a thicket, following some scent or other, and emerged with a slight limp. A cursory examination revealed a thorn stuck in his front paw, which I removed. I can only hope that some day, when I am thrown into the arena to be devoured by small dogs, Shelby will remember this favor, and spare me.

Later, on our way down the hill, we ran into a boy who had gotten separated from his mother and couldn't find his way back to where he left her. After some consultation, we determined that he had two dogs at home, had been somewhere near the top of Corona Heights before he got lost, and had followed me in the hopes that I would know where to go. So, we decided we should walk back up the hill together to see if we could figure out where his people were. Then I remembered that I had my cellphone, and we called his mother and arranged for a rendezvous. And so everyone was happily reunited.

Then, when me and the dogs were making our way home, I stepped on Bella's paw, causing her to yelp like a harpooned seal. I will not be spared in the arena, after all.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Lemons into Lemony Things

The past few days here in San Francisco, have been hot hot hot. Luckily, we had a surfeit of lemons about the house, making for all sorts of tasty ways to cool off:

1. Tasty lemon cocktail

My cousin, Molly, and her fiancee Steve got me a bottle of Creme de Violette as an early birthday present (I'd been searching for it ever since I read about it while looking for New Year's Eve cocktail recipes). So last night, with the temperature still havering around 80, we decided to give it a try:

Blue Moon

2 ounces gin
1/2 ounce fresh lemon juice
1/2 ounce crème de violette

Shake in cocktail shaker with ice, strain into martini glass and garnish with two thin lemon slices left over from:

2. Lemon Pizza (from this month's Martha Stewart Living):

Makes one 12-inch pizza

* 1 round pizza dough
* 3 ounces Piave cheese, shaved (I substituted Parmesan, and it was tasty)
* 6 very thin slices lemon, seeds removed
* 1/4 red onion, very thinly sliced
* 1 tablespoon small sprigs fresh rosemary
* Freshly ground pepper
* Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling


1. Arrange cheese evenly over dough, leaving a 1-inch border. Top with the lemon and onion slices. Sprinkle with rosemary, and season with pepper. Drizzle with oil.
2. Bake pizza in 500 degree oven for 10 minutes or so.

Once we get this week's veggie box, I'm going to try this with orange slices instead of lemon and fennel instead of onions. And then I'm going to move to Italy and become a vagabond pizza chef.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Tricia Asks, I Comply

In response to Tricia's challenge

But, really, "no touch-ups, no primping?" Hardly a challenge for grubby old me. You're lucky I remembered to brush my hair in recent memory. (And if you'd like a better look at the sculpture behind me, it's one of Brian's, and you can see it here).

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Beware of little dogs

So, yesterday, I was out walking two of my regular charges, Bella (aka Bella Z. Bub, aka Bella Boo, aka Queen B) and Shelby (aka Shelby Tiberius Buttlicker, aka Shelby Baloo, aka Thelonious Bucket). Here's a picture of the two:

I walk them three times a week (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday), and over time we've developed a routine: I get them as wound up as I possibly can before we leave the house (not that hard), and then we race uphill for two blocks on our way to Corona Heights, where I let them off their leashes and we poke around on the trails and in the long grass and wildflowers.

Like so:

Anyway, when we left the house yesterday, Shelby started running for the hills, as is our custom, but Bella, for some reason, decided to do a funny little back and forth jig. Which sent me tumbling, yellow boots over ears, onto the pavement.

And here's my poor finger (I've included the other hand so you can compare the negligible bruise with my normal fingers). I've also got a goose egg on my knee.

Bella escaped unscathed.

Friday, April 03, 2009

You can find out more about inspiration at your local library

"Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration."

Steve Martin, from "Born Standing Up"

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Liveblogging this little bit of nothing

We're lying in bed and my small toe hurts. Brian is watching "Law and Order" on his laptop and I've put down my reading because there's something about lights and moving pictures that make it impossible to look away. Outside the door, Hope's cats are running up and down the hall, thumps and gallops and half-Siamese yowls. The yowls are all Phoenix. Theodore is the Harpo of the two.

"Am I in trouble?" a suspect asks, and the camera cuts to a technician taking fingerprints off a paper cup.

The flowers on my nightstand have wilted.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Gone Pup-Walking

I'll be back soon.